Early mornings in December - misty, cold and beautiful. Rising up early is a bliss as I can witness the beauty of nature in its abundance. The chill in the air is as intractable as the breeze blowing through my hair. The euphony of the birds' chirping feels refreshing.
I can hear the leaves as they conspire with the trees to create an orchestra of musical symphony. The squeaking squirrels, the croaking frogs, the whistling crickets - all signalling an impending rain. Rains in December are a luxury and we were prepared to welcome it wholly. I had befriended the squirrels and frogs very closely as they shared a common trait with me. We all loved rain.
I could hear the loud thunder in the skies as the clouds growled. Was it fear or ecstacy that prompted the crickets but their sound was distinctively pleasant today. Noises - they were a lifeline in more than one way to me. I enjoyed the sounds that these creatures made. I would ease myself on the layback chair and absorb the cacophony.
The first drop would often go un-noticed but I had prepared myself to get a hint today. It was like fresh life being injected into a parched earth. The force which infused life into this lifeless planet replenishes it today as well. The thirsty earth received those drops as if a mother had found her long lost son. The harmony was unmatchable. The fragrance emanating from the earth's womb was intoxicating and I would take in all of it with each breath I took.
The rain added to the chill already doing rounds and I felt my lips shiver in the sheer cold. I could make out that the rain Gods were pleased with us mortals as the heavens had opened up like a dam burst. Downpour would be a gross understatement to this consequence of their magnanimity.
The breeze would spray and inundate my face with water like sprinklers on a green lawn. It was rejuvenating to say the least. I could hear the distinct sounds of a train engine at a distance and my mind would instantly roll back to the day when my most loved one promised a second audience with me soon.
She is brutally straightforward and would wait for none which was evident in the way she met me. I was not expecting her that day but that's how she operates. Un-announced had been her arrival to all whom she had met before and would be the same to all whom she planned to meet.
A sudden gust of wind brought me back to the present. It was still raining and as if cherry on cake, the Sun showed its face from among the clouds like a timid child greeting a stranger from behind his mother's gown. The virgin sunrays fell on my face and i could instantly feel the warmth. I had seen the Sun a thousand times in my mind but today was special. Today was different.
The gong of the church bell brought me into perspective and it was then that I realized that it was a Sunday and I was late for church. Kevin would always come to pick me up for church, but today he was late and I attributed it to the unexpected rain. I planned to go to church by myself and gathered all my paraphernalia. My bible was my biggest refuge to which I could always go.
I locked the house and walked to church. I had familiarized these roads so well that I could walk on these with my eyes closed though I didn't have to close them. Danny greeted me on the way and said that his sister is getting married. Sophia was always a great presence as she oozed with the motherly warmth that I always longed for. She would care for me as if I were in her womb for 9 months. I still remember the time when I carried her on my shoulders and she would bite my ears and pull my hair. She had obviously chosen to remember those times.
The walkways were wet and puddles of water were a haven for kids. Splashers - as I called them, they would give up their world to get down and dirty in the mud. Time had flown by at a great pace bringing me here today with no memory of any mud splashing when I was their size.
Lonliness is a drug. It spares you the bads and it bereaves you of the good too. A double edged sword - cutting the one who faces it as well as the one who uses it. I had enjoyed it for a lifetime now and had no complaints but for one.
My love. She should have taken me with her when she met me. I was a toddler then. She took with her my possessions, bereaved me of my life source and left me alone. Lonliness had seen me suffer and given me refuge - and I loved it for saving me. I had not known the beauty of the trees I adore today. I had not seen the colorful birds singing to me daily and I had not seen the rain which I so dearly loved.
I am waiting for her who promised to meet me soon and left me with a great present.
I never had to close my eyes to witness the beauty of darkness.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My tryst with life
I wake up every morning at 5:30, say my prayers and watch the Sun come up on the horizon. I see the trees swaying in the wind and hear the leaves rustling. The cool breeze makes the birds chirp and the music is so enchanting. I listen to them with great intent.I have seen squirrels sprint up the trunk of the Banyan tree standing for ages right outside my room. The hanging roots are a sight by themselves. I have often wondered which one of them is the real trunk. Monkeys are its devout visitors and the tree loves them.
I have also seen a lot of sparrows in the backyard of my room where a window opens to the most beautiful garden that I have seen in some time. There is a mowed down lawn which invites the fatigued to relax. The flowers are all so vibrant that they catch your eye even before you look at them. Such is the beauty of the flowers and so delectable their sweetness that the garden is a chosen haven for all those bees and humming birds that frequent them.
I see the clouds dotting the blue sky reminding me of cotton candy that I used to gorge on when I was small. Such was the beauty of the nature that I prayed everyday for the next morning.
When night falls, I would watch the skies for shooting stars. I have seen them a few times but I am always welcomed to the treat of a million stars every night twinkling at me as if trying to tell me something. I have named a few of them that I see daily and have always ran into trouble identifying them anyway.
The loud thunder and the blinding lightning scares me but then follows the most beautiful thing of all - the rain. All those drops of water - which once initiated life on earth still replenishes it with its bounty. The showers are a welcome break for the herbage robbed of its freshness by the unrelenting Sun. I stretch out my hand to have a first hand experience of the summer rain and an insant smile flashes on my face with the first drop on my body.
Nature has been so kind and bountiful to me as it has been to the others that I almost forgot to tell one thing which I see ......daily.
The iron bars shielding me from the outside heat and rain - almost being my personal
bodyguard. I have been here for 4 years and have almost forgotten how my tiny toddler looked like when I first saw him in the hospital in my wife's arms. They were the most beautiful couple that I had seen. I have never seen them since and I fear, will never see them again.
I still remember them in my arms and that was the last time I ever said to my wife that I loved her. That was the last time I ever kissed my kid. I dread the day when they left me all alone in this punishing world.
I never defended myself when I was incriminated for something that I could never fathom to have done. Such was the perennial pain that I embraced the decision with a smile. I have never been out of this cell since then.
The day was nearing and I was eagerly waiting for it. It was my freedom waiting for me on the other side of these bars. I had prepared myself for that for all these 4 years and no one could now snatch it from me.
It is 5th of June and there is an and uncommon uneasy chill in the morning air. I woke up a little early than usual and said my prayers. I can see two prison guards waiting beyond those imposing bars - entrusted with taking me for my last shower in this prison. I can see the dark horizon and could hear a few chirps and squeaks. I looked at the flowers for one last time and saw them fade away into the darkness. I took my shower and dressed up in new clothes. I had asked for new clothes and my wish was granted.
My stomach was growling now - not usual for it - but it was a big day today. I munched on some food and had a hot cup of tea. It tasted like sugarcane and I knew that I won't get this anymore - this being my last tea in prison. I walked across the empty spaces and dark cells. I knew that those inmates wanted to be free, just as I, but they will have to wait. Today was my independence day and I was in no mood to share it with anyone.
I walked past the lone coconut tree in the premises and looked up to its helm and saw that it was barren. A stark contrast to my mind which was full of new hopes and dreams of the impending freedom.
I climbed a few stairs and came to a halt near a pillar. I saw the frame of a short dark man with a very despondent look on his face. I knew that he had a big role to play in my freedom. I smiled at him and blessed him. His face was grim. The time was quarter past 5 in the morning and the Sun was still hiding in its abode. I wanted to see it one last time though.
The short man tied my hands behind my back and I heard him whimper. I consoled him and appreciated him. I just looked around me one last time and blessed all those who stood and then I closed my eyes.
The alien world awaited me and then the clock struck 5:30. I saw my lifless body hanging on the gallows as I embarked on my most rewarding journey.
It is my birthday today and my family is waiting for me.
I have also seen a lot of sparrows in the backyard of my room where a window opens to the most beautiful garden that I have seen in some time. There is a mowed down lawn which invites the fatigued to relax. The flowers are all so vibrant that they catch your eye even before you look at them. Such is the beauty of the flowers and so delectable their sweetness that the garden is a chosen haven for all those bees and humming birds that frequent them.
I see the clouds dotting the blue sky reminding me of cotton candy that I used to gorge on when I was small. Such was the beauty of the nature that I prayed everyday for the next morning.
When night falls, I would watch the skies for shooting stars. I have seen them a few times but I am always welcomed to the treat of a million stars every night twinkling at me as if trying to tell me something. I have named a few of them that I see daily and have always ran into trouble identifying them anyway.
The loud thunder and the blinding lightning scares me but then follows the most beautiful thing of all - the rain. All those drops of water - which once initiated life on earth still replenishes it with its bounty. The showers are a welcome break for the herbage robbed of its freshness by the unrelenting Sun. I stretch out my hand to have a first hand experience of the summer rain and an insant smile flashes on my face with the first drop on my body.
Nature has been so kind and bountiful to me as it has been to the others that I almost forgot to tell one thing which I see ......daily.
The iron bars shielding me from the outside heat and rain - almost being my personal
bodyguard. I have been here for 4 years and have almost forgotten how my tiny toddler looked like when I first saw him in the hospital in my wife's arms. They were the most beautiful couple that I had seen. I have never seen them since and I fear, will never see them again.
I still remember them in my arms and that was the last time I ever said to my wife that I loved her. That was the last time I ever kissed my kid. I dread the day when they left me all alone in this punishing world.
I never defended myself when I was incriminated for something that I could never fathom to have done. Such was the perennial pain that I embraced the decision with a smile. I have never been out of this cell since then.
The day was nearing and I was eagerly waiting for it. It was my freedom waiting for me on the other side of these bars. I had prepared myself for that for all these 4 years and no one could now snatch it from me.
It is 5th of June and there is an and uncommon uneasy chill in the morning air. I woke up a little early than usual and said my prayers. I can see two prison guards waiting beyond those imposing bars - entrusted with taking me for my last shower in this prison. I can see the dark horizon and could hear a few chirps and squeaks. I looked at the flowers for one last time and saw them fade away into the darkness. I took my shower and dressed up in new clothes. I had asked for new clothes and my wish was granted.
My stomach was growling now - not usual for it - but it was a big day today. I munched on some food and had a hot cup of tea. It tasted like sugarcane and I knew that I won't get this anymore - this being my last tea in prison. I walked across the empty spaces and dark cells. I knew that those inmates wanted to be free, just as I, but they will have to wait. Today was my independence day and I was in no mood to share it with anyone.
I walked past the lone coconut tree in the premises and looked up to its helm and saw that it was barren. A stark contrast to my mind which was full of new hopes and dreams of the impending freedom.
I climbed a few stairs and came to a halt near a pillar. I saw the frame of a short dark man with a very despondent look on his face. I knew that he had a big role to play in my freedom. I smiled at him and blessed him. His face was grim. The time was quarter past 5 in the morning and the Sun was still hiding in its abode. I wanted to see it one last time though.
The short man tied my hands behind my back and I heard him whimper. I consoled him and appreciated him. I just looked around me one last time and blessed all those who stood and then I closed my eyes.
The alien world awaited me and then the clock struck 5:30. I saw my lifless body hanging on the gallows as I embarked on my most rewarding journey.
It is my birthday today and my family is waiting for me.
Friday, May 14, 2010
No more tears
I have known you for more than 3 years and now I have to leave you but, I won't shed a tear because I will come back to you one day and I know that you will receive me then just as I was one of your own.
I was in 6th semester of my Engineering Degree and on an early mornig at around 1 AM, I was handed over my first job offer. I had prepared really diligently for it the previous day and it came to my rescue on the day. My name was called out quite late in the night which forced me into a temporary dejection that I saw permenantly written over some faces. But the moment when I was called out to collect my offer letter I was ecstatic and had welcomed HCL into my career.
Days from then on were busy with final two semesters and exams and projects. College days were nearing an end and there was no notice from the company that had recruited me one year in advance. Repeated phone calls and HR was as it usually is - unresponsive. Well that was the least of the troubles that HR had already inflicted on the few of us eagerly waiting for the call.
I read it in my mail that I had to join HCL on 20th September 2006. I had waited for that day to come like a madman and finally I joined HCL. The trouble of finding an accomodation in CHENNAI is not new to anyone who has one encounter with this city. My friends' and my case was no different. Finally, all got settled and got into different projects and then there was CHANGE - LOTS OF IT.
Love caught me off-guard and I am thankful to almighty that it did. Living, knowing that someone loves you adds a whole new dimension to life. Got into a major project and spent 2.5 years there before another CHANGE - one which I will dread for the rest of my life. Every low has a high and that was proven quite soon to me and I got into another project. Wonderful team members, great manager and a great project with whole lot to learn. The cherry on the cake was the client. A bunch of great people who did not have the high headed attitude that was typical of people in a commanding position.
A great opportunity to visit New York squandered, dreams shattered working was no more fun but I loved it nonetheless. Friends are a breath of fresh air and there is no better testimony than the great company that I got in a short period of time.
All the fatigue of travelling 40 Kilometers to reach office melted away when I was with them and I enjoyed my work and time. Then came the time for interviews and by God's grace, I was able to clear two major companies and they paid me close to my demands.
Putting down my papers was not the easiest thing that I had ever done. A lot of efforts ensued from then to retain me which eventually turned futile. The final mail was quite a difficult one to draft. The final speech was not the best that I had made till then but my comrades gifted me a watch for that... well that's what I will like to believe.
Looking at you for one last time...I have known you for more than 3 years and now I have to leave you but.........
I was in 6th semester of my Engineering Degree and on an early mornig at around 1 AM, I was handed over my first job offer. I had prepared really diligently for it the previous day and it came to my rescue on the day. My name was called out quite late in the night which forced me into a temporary dejection that I saw permenantly written over some faces. But the moment when I was called out to collect my offer letter I was ecstatic and had welcomed HCL into my career.
Days from then on were busy with final two semesters and exams and projects. College days were nearing an end and there was no notice from the company that had recruited me one year in advance. Repeated phone calls and HR was as it usually is - unresponsive. Well that was the least of the troubles that HR had already inflicted on the few of us eagerly waiting for the call.
I read it in my mail that I had to join HCL on 20th September 2006. I had waited for that day to come like a madman and finally I joined HCL. The trouble of finding an accomodation in CHENNAI is not new to anyone who has one encounter with this city. My friends' and my case was no different. Finally, all got settled and got into different projects and then there was CHANGE - LOTS OF IT.
Love caught me off-guard and I am thankful to almighty that it did. Living, knowing that someone loves you adds a whole new dimension to life. Got into a major project and spent 2.5 years there before another CHANGE - one which I will dread for the rest of my life. Every low has a high and that was proven quite soon to me and I got into another project. Wonderful team members, great manager and a great project with whole lot to learn. The cherry on the cake was the client. A bunch of great people who did not have the high headed attitude that was typical of people in a commanding position.
A great opportunity to visit New York squandered, dreams shattered working was no more fun but I loved it nonetheless. Friends are a breath of fresh air and there is no better testimony than the great company that I got in a short period of time.
All the fatigue of travelling 40 Kilometers to reach office melted away when I was with them and I enjoyed my work and time. Then came the time for interviews and by God's grace, I was able to clear two major companies and they paid me close to my demands.
Putting down my papers was not the easiest thing that I had ever done. A lot of efforts ensued from then to retain me which eventually turned futile. The final mail was quite a difficult one to draft. The final speech was not the best that I had made till then but my comrades gifted me a watch for that... well that's what I will like to believe.
Looking at you for one last time...I have known you for more than 3 years and now I have to leave you but.........
Monday, March 15, 2010
Strapped to a inevitability
When I opened my eyes for the first time, I saw her; so close to me and so warm. She kissed my forehead and then my cheek and then my lips. She was the most beautiful woman I had seen and to think that I was inside her for 9 months was an overwhelming feeling in itself. She was the first word that I learned to speak - Amma. I loved her, not knowing why or how much. I cried, I laughed and all my expressions brought a sense of accomplishment on her face. She used to carry me in her arms and feed me with her milk. I was happy that I had HER to look after me.
One day I crawled on my knees and I saw an unabashed joy on her face which made me crawl more to see that joy even more. I used to call her Mamma now and she cherished it every time. She used to run after me just to ensure that I didn't put a coin in my mouth.
Papa - I had met him some time after I met Amma.I didn't know then that this man would be my caretaker for the rest of his life. I learned to look at him with as much love that I had for Amma and found that she was not jealous that I shared my love with him. Though it surprised me a bit but I was too young to care.
When I took my steps, I had seen tears in Amma's eyes. I didn't know why she cried. I walked to her open arms and she lifted me up and kissed me. It was beautiful.
When I blew the lone candle on the cake, Amma and Appa celebrated my first birthday. It was a great day as I got a lot of new dresses and shoes and toys.
I cried like there was no tomorrow on my first day to school. Mrs. White tried to convince me that LKG was not a bad place to be in and I soon found out why. Mrs. White, as her name suggests was a fair, lovely lady. I thought of her as school Amma. A, B, C were very difficult. I was good at learning 'I' and was proud at that. I was not aware then that this one letter would change my life one day.
I was in Ms. Geeta's class when she asked me to pull my shorts down for teasing a girl. It was quite embarrassing for a boy in class 3. She was kind enough to change her decision and I was fortunate that I still had some dignity left.
I was a good student and visibly the apple of the eye of many teachers. I was good enough at football and I came to know that in 7th when I cracked my leg playing it. I would like to claim that the leg grew stronger after that but my interest in sports waned. When I came out of school, I was confused about what life had in store for me ahead.
Emotions were very similar when I finished my graduation.
The day when my Appa bought me my new bicycle and asked me not to take it out much and when he bought me a video game and asked me not to break into the TV set, flashed now in front of me. I was flying kites with my cousin when we saw our first common crush. Being the taller guy, I thought that the girl would like me. Ten days later I saw her behind my cousin's cycle. That's when I fought for a cycle and I had so many excuses to make to Appa to get it.
All I see now is a burgeoning crowd trying to get into the local train as I struggle to get my foot too in a gap. I was ready for the moment. My Amma and Appa would not be proud of me. I don't know if my sister would ever be able to believe her ears. She was a pain in my butt when we were young but I love her now.
Amma and Appa would not understand. They would not forgive me. I can't begin to imagine how they would take this. I bet they would take it in their stride as they had stood the tests of time as long as I could remember. I don't know if she would forgive me. I had loved her more than I loved my Amma. She was my first love and apparently my last. I had told her to forget me and if she would ever understand me, which I doubt, she would live on.
I closed my eyes and dreamt of the beautiful place that I was promised. It was more beautiful than any which I had ever seen. I was composed and relaxed - it was always about me - 'I'. Amma and Appa would understand.
The time had come for me to slip into that alien world which I was promised to be divine. It didn't took long before I exploded into shreds. The last I remember was the toddler near me touching my legs with his tiny fingers and then I jumping out of the train.
One day I crawled on my knees and I saw an unabashed joy on her face which made me crawl more to see that joy even more. I used to call her Mamma now and she cherished it every time. She used to run after me just to ensure that I didn't put a coin in my mouth.
Papa - I had met him some time after I met Amma.I didn't know then that this man would be my caretaker for the rest of his life. I learned to look at him with as much love that I had for Amma and found that she was not jealous that I shared my love with him. Though it surprised me a bit but I was too young to care.
When I took my steps, I had seen tears in Amma's eyes. I didn't know why she cried. I walked to her open arms and she lifted me up and kissed me. It was beautiful.
When I blew the lone candle on the cake, Amma and Appa celebrated my first birthday. It was a great day as I got a lot of new dresses and shoes and toys.
I cried like there was no tomorrow on my first day to school. Mrs. White tried to convince me that LKG was not a bad place to be in and I soon found out why. Mrs. White, as her name suggests was a fair, lovely lady. I thought of her as school Amma. A, B, C were very difficult. I was good at learning 'I' and was proud at that. I was not aware then that this one letter would change my life one day.
I was in Ms. Geeta's class when she asked me to pull my shorts down for teasing a girl. It was quite embarrassing for a boy in class 3. She was kind enough to change her decision and I was fortunate that I still had some dignity left.
I was a good student and visibly the apple of the eye of many teachers. I was good enough at football and I came to know that in 7th when I cracked my leg playing it. I would like to claim that the leg grew stronger after that but my interest in sports waned. When I came out of school, I was confused about what life had in store for me ahead.
Emotions were very similar when I finished my graduation.
The day when my Appa bought me my new bicycle and asked me not to take it out much and when he bought me a video game and asked me not to break into the TV set, flashed now in front of me. I was flying kites with my cousin when we saw our first common crush. Being the taller guy, I thought that the girl would like me. Ten days later I saw her behind my cousin's cycle. That's when I fought for a cycle and I had so many excuses to make to Appa to get it.
All I see now is a burgeoning crowd trying to get into the local train as I struggle to get my foot too in a gap. I was ready for the moment. My Amma and Appa would not be proud of me. I don't know if my sister would ever be able to believe her ears. She was a pain in my butt when we were young but I love her now.
Amma and Appa would not understand. They would not forgive me. I can't begin to imagine how they would take this. I bet they would take it in their stride as they had stood the tests of time as long as I could remember. I don't know if she would forgive me. I had loved her more than I loved my Amma. She was my first love and apparently my last. I had told her to forget me and if she would ever understand me, which I doubt, she would live on.
I closed my eyes and dreamt of the beautiful place that I was promised. It was more beautiful than any which I had ever seen. I was composed and relaxed - it was always about me - 'I'. Amma and Appa would understand.
The time had come for me to slip into that alien world which I was promised to be divine. It didn't took long before I exploded into shreds. The last I remember was the toddler near me touching my legs with his tiny fingers and then I jumping out of the train.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Love - I fell in once and I never looked up again
I came when God decided to send me here and I will leave when he wants me out of here.
Life is as ephemeral as snow in the Sun but it is much more lovely than one can ever imagine. It then becomes an imperative to every person given this wonderful opportunity to experience it to the full extent that one can. What better a way can anyone think of doing this than being in the most pure form of life itself.
It is the most rewarding feeling of all. People call it by different names - Kaadhal, sneham, ishtam, pyaar - multiple forms of the same emotion - yes, an emotion - I prefer to call Love. It is like the morning dew on the ripe fallen leaves that have no hope of going back to the tree they were once with. It's like the dusk sky - embellished in pure red and orange, it's like the spectacle of a beautiful Sunrise, it's like the cool breeze blowing through one's hair. A refreshing yet humbling emotion.
Falling in love was the most fortunate thing that happened to me. It was not easy. I had spent 23 straight years of my life without falling in love. A very very long time, considering the average human life expectancy. It eludes you as if you didn't even exist, but when it hits you, the ground under suddenly slips away and you are totally swept off your feet and there is no one around to grab hold of and then it happens - You Fall ...face first.....heart first....no senses.....no consciousness and then you realize that you have fallen............ In love.
The most surprising thing about this sweeping fall is that it feels wonderful and you'd wish never to get up..... let alone stand and walk. You float. Books seem immaterial..... food becomes tasteless....if you have hunger in the first place. You grow wings and fly off in a direction you call Love.
She was the most beautiful girl I had seen till then. Now..... after 4 years..... she stuns me with her beauty like I had met her just a moment ago. Describing someone so beautiful is not an easy job in itself, let alone falling in love with her. I should have been really good in my previous lives.... I have really no clue when.... but yes.... i should have been, considering that God blessed me with her.
It was difficult really to believe that love would actually come after me.... a change from the usual way of running after it. All I knew after that was that I was neck deep in love and was that feeling great......don't ask.....I am out of words. I didn't know whether I was headed in the right direction...I didn't have a choice once all my direction boards began pointing in one direction. A leap of faith and Here I am .... after many years... still wondering how much could I love her more as each day passes by.
I know one thing for sure..... if I was to love someone..... it was none other than her and she has been the most valuable possession ever in my live.
It is a wonderful ecstasy.... this love. Fall in it and you would know why.
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